


4.30 am

by zizis



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 06:41:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8568163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zizis/pseuds/zizis
Summary: Posted before Bernie returns from Kiev.
A series of short vignettes - not in chronological order.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Posted before Bernie returns from Kiev.
> 
> A series of short vignettes - not in chronological order.

4.30 am Kandahar, Afghanistan

Blood pools everywhere. Fragments of bone. Her hands search. Searching. Searching….She wakes. The sweat coats her body. It is eerily silent. She throws back the sheets from her single bed and walks to the window. Opens it. The early morning air caresses and cools her skin. She breathes deeply, drinking it in. Wash away the images in her head. No need to look at her watch. She knows the time. 4.30 am. It always is.

 

4.30 am February 

Serena wakes up. It is still dark outside. Damn it. Not again. She glances at the clock at her bedside. 4.30 am. Bugger. She knows she will struggle to fall back to sleep. The curse of being a woman of a certain age ? She sighs. Reaches for her book. She will read till she nods off again. Too soon to call it a day (night?) and get up. She is unaware that later that day her car will break down and her life will change forever.

 

4.30 am Kiev. Thursday ? Any day.

Bernie’s body tosses restlessly in the large bed. Faces crowding in on her. Cameron, Charlotte, Marcus. Alex. Reproach written on them. You let us down. Let us down. She battles to turn away from them. Then there is Serena. Always Serena. “I don’t want you to go”. Her face. Pain. Hurt. “No !” She cries out loud. She jolts awake. There is no one in the sterile bedroom to hear her. Her heart pounds. She wants to run. But the faces are always there. She makes her way to the bathroom, crouches at the toilet bowl, holds back her own hair and throws up. It is of course 4.30 am. 

 

4.30 am. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Explosions ricochet around her head. Cries of soldiers calling for their mother. Cries that morph into Cameron’s voice calling out to her. And she’s not there. She tries to reach him. But he’s too far away. Her eyes spring open. She sits up in bed. Draws her knees towards her, keening back and forth. It is 4.30 am.

 

4.30 am. Probably sometime in October. Serena’s lost track.

She lays awake. She can hear the pipes creaking. You’d think, she muses, after a whole bottle I’d be at least able to get through the night. But here it is again. Bernie fills her head. Leaks into every corner. She wants to be angry. She wants to shut her out. But here in the dark early hours, where no one can see or hear her, Bernie runs freely through her, and cascades down her cheeks in salty rivulets.

 

4.30 am Late August

Truth be told she hasn’t slept at all. In fact she can barely remember how she got home. Spinning around her head in an endless loop – Bernie kissed me, and – I kissed her back ! And. And. And it felt wonderful. She tries to think about poor Fletch. Focus. But her whole being is still charged with the electricity of that kiss. I kissed a woman. I kissed Bernie. I kissed Bernie ? Why ? Why did I kiss Bernie ? Because she kissed me ? Because I wanted to. Needed to. Because I’ve wanted to for so long now. Because Bernie is, is, is….. Bernie the Big Macho Army Medic. My Big Macho Army Medic. Bernie. The friend I look forward to seeing every day ? Who drives me mad, who makes me laugh, who fills me with awe ? Fearless fantastic Bernie ? What happens now, next ? What does it mean ? Bernie. Bernie ? And so the questions collide and cannon round her head. And 4.30 am ticks by.

 

4.30 am Early August

Cameron’ voice again. Be honest. Better to be honest. She sees Alex standing there. Waiting for her. But her feet won’t move. The mud beneath them holds them firm. Sucks them down. Someone new ? Cameron’s voice echoes. She looks again towards Alex. But Alex is no longer there. It is Serena. Her orange red shirt. Her knowing smile. Her eyes on Bernie. Looking deep inside her. She feels the thrill of excitement. Serena. Serena. Of course Serena. Serena reaches out to touch her arm. She gasps. And is awake again. There is no one there. It is 4.30 am.

 

4.30 am Late November

Bernie sleeps. She twitches every so often. Occasionally a little snuffle. But Bernie sleeps. The moonlight squeezes through the parted curtain and spills onto her hair spread across the pillow.  
Serena sits upright in the bed. Beside her. She watches as Bernie sleeps. She has been angry. She has been hurt. She has tried to be cold. She has tried to hurt Bernie back. And Bernie has been afraid. And Bernie has pleaded. And they have both cried. And she has melted. Because it is Bernie. And she is in love with Bernie. And they have kissed, searching for each other with mouths and hands. And they have cried some more. And some more. And they have found each other again. And they have fallen asleep, in each other’s arms, exhausted.  
They have not made love yet. That will happen soon. And when they do it will be the most intimate and exhilarating of moments. They will each trust the other with their whole selves. But for now Serena lays down beside Bernie. Her fingers gently sweep the blonde hair from Bernie’s face. She breathes in the scent of Bernie.   
And Bernie sleeps. It is 4.30 am.


End file.
